this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
