i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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