good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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