I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
