I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
