Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im having a threesome with these popsicles
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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