If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
