im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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