Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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