Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
