John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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