1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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