I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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