we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
