Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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