Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
