last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
