my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
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