A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I accidentally burped into my bong.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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