I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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