just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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