i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
