If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
