i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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