i was rollin on her like bob the builder
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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