i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
