I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I am available for nakedness
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
