So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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