so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
