he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
