Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
