How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize