they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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