i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
