my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
