I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
