i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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