I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
