I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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