I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
