I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize