tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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