i already hear my dad disowning me
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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