i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
