I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
