Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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