We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
