I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
