I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
