i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
