I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
