he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
