Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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