This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
