It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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