you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
