i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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