Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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