The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
