Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
