i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
