The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
