True but thats because hes a fetus.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
soo... how was my night?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
